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Isn't English Wonderful

 Isn't the English language wonderful?  
   
  
     
         
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they  barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned  veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid but says  he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it  dawned on me.

This girl said she recognised me from the  vegetarian club but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a  book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.

I did a  theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on  words.

They told me that I had type A blood but it was a  Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the  Indians there first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the  Coca-Cola factory?  I hope that there's no pop quiz .

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I  didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you  make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Did you hear about  the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine  trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried  to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's  police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer.

Earthquake in Washington: obviously the government's fault.

I used to think that I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure.

Cheers

2 people like this.

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Date Thu, 03/05/2012 - 22:29
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Very, Very funny.   Breaking wind in a lift, it's wrong on so many levels!

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 15:38
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with Death!

Statistically, only one in seven dwarves are Happy.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on and on.................

I just bought my wife a new fridge, should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said " No, just a watch"

I swallowed tippex last night..I woke up this morning with a massive correction.

I just got back from a mates funeral, he died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Kev.

 

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 16:25
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Hehe Hehe !!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 16:32
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Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

I know a couple who get on like a house on fire. They both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death

Brian Evans

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 16:48
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In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

Abigail

Growing old is compulsory.  Growing up is optional.

http://www.myfinepix.co.uk/competition/entry/697223

 

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 16:55
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Ha ha, thanks...I'm loving the additions too.  You lot are as daft as me.  I feel at home. he he.

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 17:02
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We aim to please Steve, we aim to please.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Abigail

Growing old is compulsory.  Growing up is optional.

http://www.myfinepix.co.uk/competition/entry/697223

 

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 17:08
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

What do you call a Camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off

What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "

Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
Because the Parrots-ate-em-all

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick

Sorry I know, I am now getting desperate. Lol   Well it is Friday. XX

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 17:08
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I think you've bee watching too many Stewart Francis DVDs Steve,some crackers among them Smile

 

 

Flickr Page

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 17:11
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The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"S hit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 18:03
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police found an icecream man dead in his van covered in 100's and 1000's.

they reckon he topped himself

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 21:10
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Hey, you lot - are you trying to put me out of business?..... Although it is reassuring to know I'm in good company. [Boom Boom]

I'm not even going to try to compete.... I'm really not: basically, you've already used all my jokes! Crying

This comment is intended for amusement, only. (Any possible offence caused is entirely coincidental / unintentional.)

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 19:03
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Come on Jester.  Surely you have more in your locker.  Don't go getting all serious on us now!!!

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 19:03
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I found out my accountant was a Swede.  That was a turn up for the books!

Regards,

Alan J 

MyFlickrFotos

BOKEH

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 19:38
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I just thank God I'm an atheist.

Monty.

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 19:44
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  Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 19:45
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 Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

I used go out with an anesthetist - she was a local girl.

Brian Evans

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 19:51
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"Where's the other side of the road"?

"Over there"

"Some bugga sent me over here"

Monty.

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 19:58
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Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 20:04
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Why is your dog wearing brown boots?

His black ones are being mended.

Monty.

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 20:26
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Two men walk into a building... you'll think one of them would have seen it! http://www.myfinepix.co.uk/competition/entry/468468

PETER C WHEELER

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 21:11
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Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" Nixon: "Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we have time?"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t."

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 21:17
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Ha ha Dave, now you should have put that up BEFORE folk went out and voted today!!!  Lol

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Date Fri, 04/05/2012 - 23:29
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Hehehehehhehe..... nice one Steve!

What's gree with wheels?

Grass - I lied about the wheels.

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Date Sat, 05/05/2012 - 19:23
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Well Funny! Big smile

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Date Sat, 05/05/2012 - 19:48
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Another one for you Steve....

You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

Carl.

 

I refuse to let my children listen to big band music. It's so full of sax and violins.

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Date Sat, 05/05/2012 - 21:06
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You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

 please have a look at my   Gallery My Photo blog http://www.myfinepix.com/blog/353053

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Date Sat, 05/05/2012 - 22:08
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Better late than pregnant.

Monty.

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Date Sat, 05/05/2012 - 22:12
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  Schizophrenia beats being alone.

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Date Sat, 05/05/2012 - 22:14
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   It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.